Drugs Would Have Been Redundant

In which I muse upon the madness of my youth, yearn to be fabulous, and lust after a shiny pair of red patent leather stripper heels.

Forget the sonic screwdriver, I want those shoes!

Whilst looking for a picture of me in high school for a thingie we’re doing at work, I found my mind zipping back to my younger days and realized I was out of my cotton pickin’ mind most of the time. Honestly, some of the things I did in my teens and twenties… To give you an idea, when BFF Tara told her then-boyfriend about some of our high school exploits, he asked if I’d been on drugs. She told him drugs would have been redundant.

Another buddy of mine and I used to walk down to the lake in my subdivision and if we saw anybody around we’d pretend we were on an away team mission from the Enterprise. Even in class we used our compacts as communicator. Yes, we did the chirping noise.

Then there were the lightsaber battles in the library with BFF Tara’s older brother and his friends. They chopped my butt off one time, and I went all drama queen on them. Very large ham with a bit of William Shatner mixed in (or is that redundant?) “You! Choppedoffmybutt!”

More recently, my niece Rachel and I had a smart phone lightsaber duel while waiting in line to see the Real Pirates exhibition at the Science Center. iPhone vs. Droid…IN SPACE…WITH PIRATES! And silly paper pirate hats and some woman who patrolled the line keeping us all in order like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. Rachel and I lightsabered her behind her back. Jedi Knights don’t answer to power drunk line monitors! Bet she was a Sith.

I narrated a Slayers cosplay at the last convention I went to almost a decade ago and credited the role of the box of Pocky to Ms. Joan Crawford, and did it with an absolutely straight face. I’m told we were supposed to have won the comedy prize, but the judges were drunk and wrote down the wrong number. The Aesop here is never give cosplay judges booze. Make them work for it first.

The closest I ever came to me doing the cosplaying was back in high school. My friends and I used to act out scenes from the Lord of the Rings in my basement. There were four of us girls, and only three major female roles in LoTR. Guess who always ended up playing Aragorn? That’s right, me. I wanted to be Eowyn, but nooooo! However, when a bunch of us dressed up as LoTR characters for costume day during Spirit Week, I was Sam–fake fur glued to my feet and all. We also had a Frodo, a Gandalf, a Gollum and a Galadriel. (In case anyone is wondering, Eowyn is not my favorite LoTR character; Sam is.)

The one thing that might lure me into actually wearing a costume at a convention: River Song’s amazing red stripper heels from the Doctor Who episode The Time of Angels. If I ever dress up as anybody, I’ve decided I will be River Song. She’s officially my favorite Doctor Who character after the Doctor, himself. She’s my age, utterly the Doctor’s equal (or as close as a mere human can be), and played by the amazing Alex Kingston (perhaps you know her as Dr. Elizabeth Corday in ER). River Song so terrified a Dalek she had it begging for its life. I KNOW, RIGHT?! A DALEK! Even if she weren’t so awesome, I would still dress up as her just for those shoes. I couldn’t possibly stand or walk in them (even River took them off as soon as she got in the TARDIS–sorry, boys, real women don’t walk around the house in stripper heels), but I’d look smashing just sitting around trying to look like Daleks should fear me. (Perhaps they should!) And maybe some hot nerdboy dressed as the 11th Doctor in a tux would do what the Doctor and River should have done at Amy and Rory’s wedding and slow dance with me. Or waltz, perhaps. River was dressed for it. The Doctor was dressed for it. But all they did was have a little chat outside Amy’s house, offer and accept a marriage proposal (SQUEE!), and then–POOF!–off she went into the future to be fabulous in smoky rooms, on starliners, in a necropolis, or in a creepy library. She even made a bulky environment suit look fabulous.

River Song's Come Sonic Me! pumps. WANT!

How does she do that?

I want to be fabulous and completely mad and daring all at the same time. I could add it to my Redesigning Me To Do List:

• Lose weight
• Get in shape
• Socialize
• Become River Song
• Snog the Doctor

Sounds like a mad, diabolical scheme. I like it.