The Creeping Crud

Once upon a time when I was working someplace I can’t rightly recall, a coworker noticed that I seemed to be a bit under the weather. I couldn’t pin down what was wrong with me but gamely tried to answer her kindly questions with various, vague symptoms. She confidently declared that I had The Creeping Crud, which sounds really cool if you say it with a Southern accent like she had. Being the huge fan of speculative fiction that I am, I immediately imagined a cross between The Blob and The Creature From The Black Lagoon. It was brown and slimy and reeked like a moldering swamp or maybe a full dumpster at the height of a Midwestern summer. And it creeped all over its victims, making them feel weak, tired, congested and like they had a skull full of mud. It was a vampire of the traditional variety, not the sparkly vampires of Twilight fame, nor the rock star vampires of Anne Rice’s novels, nor even Dracula or Nosferatu. No, I’m talking about the kind that kept my European ancestors awake and shivering in their beds for at least a fortnight after a death in the family. The kind of vampire that sucked the life force out of their loved ones, causing them to mysteriously sicken and die.

That, my friends, is the image The Creeping Crud conjured in my fertile imagination, and I’ve lived in dread of it ever since. Rarely does it come with a fever, sore throat, swollen glands, or discolored boogers…nothing that a doctor would look at and say, “Aha! You have______!” and prescribe you something to make it all better (although this time I do have swollen glands). No, The Creeping Crud just makes you feel icky for no apparent reason, and the only thing for it is sleep, soup, and hot tea with plenty of lemon and honey. Oh, and sympathy if you can get it. In general, not in your tea. I also found watching Hellboy II: The Golden Army on HBO the other night helped, as did Ken Burns’ fabulous documentary series about America’s National Parks, which started last night on PBS. (I believe I have previously mentioned my eclectic tastes.)

But you know what really makes a Creeping Crud even cruddier? Getting your period at the same time. Yup, that’s the tag team that has laid me low these past few days, sucking the energy out of me, and depriving me of the ability to actually think about whatever it is I might be watching on the TV machine. That, of course, means I’m not doing reviews until The Crud has left me, and Aunt Martha has gone home because my brain refuses to analyze things (which hurts me at work because, you know, I’m a Business ANALYST and all). Fortunately, I’ve started feeling better this evening, though the cough and congestion (and my period) are still with me. And, hey, The Big Bang Theory’s on tonight, along with part two of that Ken Burns documentary. Pretty scenery…always good for the constitution, even if it’s only in pictures.

Atlantis reviews return in a few days.

Update: LOL! No sooner did I post this then I read Neil Gaiman’s latest post, and he has the crud, too. I’m in good company.